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Dear theatre patrons...
Feb. 26th, 2005 01:09 amGiven my scheduling issues at work I haven't had much to harp on in the past few months. But, stupid as stupid does and you've come through for me, yet again. Please take these words to heart and think of them the next time you grace your local cinema with your presence. Because I can guarantee you there will be at least one usher just waiting to beat you over the head with their half-watt flashlight. It may be small and useless but I promise, we will make it hurt.
1) Thank you to the person who barfed in the ladies garbage can last week. You were in the bathroom, of all places, so god forbid you try the toilet to get sick in but at least you made it to a place that wasn't the floor. Not all of it, at least. Also, if you're the person who was also sick in two garbage cans in our largest theatre? Thanks again. I love you. Really. You made me realize that there are, indeed, still some things that make me queasy. *cuddles pictures of STI-riddled body parts*
2) When I say, "Hi" to you as I rip your ticket, don't respond with, "Not yet. I'll wait for the new J Lo movie to come out." It will only serve to make me think you're a) creepy b) stupid and c) a total moron. Especially don't do this when you're going to see Son of the Mask. I will and did laugh at you.
3) Yes, we have self-serve butter. No, it's not real. It's buttered flavoured oil. You needn't press the button to prove to yourself and your friends that it works. And then keep it pressed. Really. Really. Also? You don't have to announce to your friends that it looks like pee and keep pressing it cause you're stoned/drunk/stupid/Darwin's worst nightmare. kthxbye.
4) We get promotional things for movies. Posters, hats, pins and the like. And big, huge, often-complicated standees that we have to put together. For the more complex ones (think 3D- about 8 feet long, three feet wide and 12 feet tall for some, complete with nuts and bolts) it can take up to a week to build them and we take great pride in finishing a particularly labour-intensive one and putting it on display. They are not displayed to be stood on, sat on, danced on, shaken, or have parts ripped off. Unless you want me to come to your house to try and tip over your 85 year-old antique china hutch, stay the fuck away from our standees and keep your hellion children away as well.
5) I don't care how long the ticket holders line is. We have them set up to keep the huge lines for popular movies out of the lobby so we don't have to shove through 400 people at a time while doing our jobs. It's also a safety concern. If you get to the movie late or bought your tickets early and didn't know about the line we don't care. You can bitch and whine and complain all you want but even if you refuse to get in line and sit in the lobby we will make you wait. Because we learned this shit in kindergarten and I'm sure as hell not re-visiting your childhood.
6) Don't hold your ticket so I have to yank it out of your hand to rip it. I need to look at it to see what movie you're going to, if you've got an age appropriate ticket or if you're trying to scam me with an old ticket. Don't hold it in your mouth, don't smear it with butter, don't make it wet with... stuff I don't know the origins of. Just don't.
*collapses and prepares for another shift tomorrow*
1) Thank you to the person who barfed in the ladies garbage can last week. You were in the bathroom, of all places, so god forbid you try the toilet to get sick in but at least you made it to a place that wasn't the floor. Not all of it, at least. Also, if you're the person who was also sick in two garbage cans in our largest theatre? Thanks again. I love you. Really. You made me realize that there are, indeed, still some things that make me queasy. *cuddles pictures of STI-riddled body parts*
2) When I say, "Hi" to you as I rip your ticket, don't respond with, "Not yet. I'll wait for the new J Lo movie to come out." It will only serve to make me think you're a) creepy b) stupid and c) a total moron. Especially don't do this when you're going to see Son of the Mask. I will and did laugh at you.
3) Yes, we have self-serve butter. No, it's not real. It's buttered flavoured oil. You needn't press the button to prove to yourself and your friends that it works. And then keep it pressed. Really. Really. Also? You don't have to announce to your friends that it looks like pee and keep pressing it cause you're stoned/drunk/stupid/Darwin's worst nightmare. kthxbye.
4) We get promotional things for movies. Posters, hats, pins and the like. And big, huge, often-complicated standees that we have to put together. For the more complex ones (think 3D- about 8 feet long, three feet wide and 12 feet tall for some, complete with nuts and bolts) it can take up to a week to build them and we take great pride in finishing a particularly labour-intensive one and putting it on display. They are not displayed to be stood on, sat on, danced on, shaken, or have parts ripped off. Unless you want me to come to your house to try and tip over your 85 year-old antique china hutch, stay the fuck away from our standees and keep your hellion children away as well.
5) I don't care how long the ticket holders line is. We have them set up to keep the huge lines for popular movies out of the lobby so we don't have to shove through 400 people at a time while doing our jobs. It's also a safety concern. If you get to the movie late or bought your tickets early and didn't know about the line we don't care. You can bitch and whine and complain all you want but even if you refuse to get in line and sit in the lobby we will make you wait. Because we learned this shit in kindergarten and I'm sure as hell not re-visiting your childhood.
6) Don't hold your ticket so I have to yank it out of your hand to rip it. I need to look at it to see what movie you're going to, if you've got an age appropriate ticket or if you're trying to scam me with an old ticket. Don't hold it in your mouth, don't smear it with butter, don't make it wet with... stuff I don't know the origins of. Just don't.
*collapses and prepares for another shift tomorrow*
