and we frolicked about

One more day, yo! It hasn't even been a bad week, I just want it to be over.

I'm feeling a bit of seasonal gloom creeping in. We're in the last week and I'd like to stay above board as much as possible but right now I'm kind of sinking a bit, feeling the overwhelming nature of the holiday and also the hollowness of it all. I don't have too much money to spend so I can't get what I would like for people, although I'm happy with what I HAVE gotten for them so far. I guess I just find this time of year even more frustrating because there's so much stuff I want but, again, I'm po. So then I just gaze wistfully and keep content with what I do have. I'd be just as happy with nothing for Christmas but for my mom to find a job, truthfully.

Onto better things.

Day 1: enablelove
Day 3: fuckyeahshelly
Day 4: jocosa
Day 6: marcasite
Day 7: hauntes
Day 8: singingrl
Day 10: medie
Day 12: girlfmkitty
Day 13: theladyoffaerie
Day 14: kashmir1

( Darren Hayes )

I went to bed at 8pm last night, was asleep by 815. I have been exhausted ALL week. And my mood has been a bit off, possibly because of the exhaustion, as my mom pointed out last night. Although she said I've been off since last week so perhaps I'm in a lull of sorts, I don't know. I slept for 10 hours last night and it was AWESOME. I had an okay day but I'm pretty damn jazzed for it to be the end of the week tomorrow.

Monday the new girl starts and that should make things a bit easier at work although we have SO MUCH TO DO already I just don't know what the hell to do. We'll get by somehow, I guess.

Watching The Secret Circle next and I'm going to cap it but I don't know if this will be a weekly thing since it's going to be hard enough to cap one show, let alone two, if I keep feeling like this AND because MIsfits starts next month. And THAT is my #1.

( 301 - The Birthday )

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TVD 301 set 1 (300 caps ~ 22.8MB) // TVD 301 set 2 (300 caps ~ 14.1MB) // TVD 301 set 3 (300 caps ~ 14.3MB) // gallery

Whoops! I misnumbered the caps when I batched them, sorry!

( 401 - The Birthday )

Snagged from mclachlan

( Under here )

I didn't get to that walk I was going to take today but in my defense it was about 33 here today so I didn't get out and about too much. Dropped off the recycling and went to the library is about it.

Made an AWESOME dinner, though. Steak and BBQ'd veggies (broccoli, potatoes, cauliflower, peas, onions, carrots with garlic spread on it) with caesar salad left over from mom's dinner. And I have enough steak and veggies for the next few meals! Woo, no cooking!

In other news, remember that family I successfully avoided while they were here? Turns out my cousin and her husband are separated and have been for a while. They've been doing the counselling thing and have worked out an arrangement for the kids and all but like--it just strikes me as selfish that they came here on vacation and kept it a secret until well after they've gone home. I think my aunt feels the same way, considering she shelled out ... oh, about six grand on their visit in total. Yeah. Pretty much wiped out their savings. Partly because of her wanting to impress her daughter and partly because my cousin is spoiled and greedy.

I am sympathetic for what they're going through and for the effort they've obviously tried to put into everything but they came here knowing full well efforts had failed and they weren't together, but pretended like everything was fine (and not for the kids since, I think, they're living separate now) and my aunt and uncle spent all that money on them. *sigh*

I know you can't pick your family but you sure as shit don't have to like them. Blood relations really don't mean any special bond for me. I don't have to respect automatically because someone related to me bore you.

Anyway. Not really looking forward to work tomorrow since everything has been a clusterfuck this weekend and poor April is still down in the dumps about obits. So we'll see how that goes. I also have a dentist appointment AND an appointment with my counselor tomorrow so my day will be busy. Might as well get all this shit done early in the week, right?

Also, I want to sit down and work on a list of goals for the next few months for myself to strive for. Nothing too outlandish, so I don't set myself up for failure, but I have a couple all ready and want to get at least one more so challenge myself and give myself something to look forward to. I'll post it once I come up with them and the specifics.

The family has left. Unfortunately the daughter decided to change things up so at 8:30pm on Tuesday everyone (including the aunt and uncle) packed up and headed to Edmonton, which is at least a 5 hour drive away. Yeah, at 8:30pm. So they didn't get in until about 2:30 am. I texted my aunt this evening to ask how things were doing and she replied, "Valium all the way!". So yeah, that kind of says it all right there about how well this excursion is going.

As far as we know they're leaving on Sunday so the aunt and uncle can come home and get back to a normal life. A quieter life, for sure. Vincent the cat sure was happy to get back to his own home. He did NOT like it here and Gracie did NOT like having him here.

It's the weekend! I have nothing planned, nothing lined up and nothing I WANT to do. I want to sleep tomorrow, for sure. I've already done a load of laundry so things are on their way to being neat and tidied up early. Vacuuming tomorrow is a must, though. Also, ant traps are a must as I see, to have some visitors tonight. Guess I'll actually have to take a shower tomorrow and brave the out of doors. I should walk, too.

I've been taking my pills these past couple days so things have been okay in my head. My sleeping hasn't been that great, or so it seems from my sleep cycle app. I go from deep sleep to awake every single hour. I know you have cycles where you're in and out of deep sleep but are you supposed to wake up completely?

Project Runway has started back up!

( My thoughts, let me show you them (up to and including the second ep) )

( TW 105 - The Categories of Life )

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Torchwood 405 - set 1 (216 caps ~ 21.3MB) // Torchwood 405 - set 2 (216 caps ~ 22.4MB) // Torchwood 405 - set 3 (216 caps ~ 18.9MB) // Torchwood 405 - set 4 (218 caps ~ 16.5MB) // gallery

( 405 - The Categories of Life )

I. Am. Exhausted.

I was prescribed yet another sleeping pill at the start of the week and it has done DICK ALL for me, despite me taking two and three at a time. I toss and turn all night, struggle to get comfortable to even fall asleep, wake up at least an hour before my alarm and the dreams have been wicked. I have been yawning so deeply for the past few days that a muscle in my right thigh twitches when I do. They're full-body yawns that I can't stop for the life of me.

So now I have ANOTHER sleeping aid, something that comes in liquid form and I haven't taken yet tonight because I'm pretty sure it's going to work hard and fast and I'm SO excited but I want to get this post up first.

Birthday went well. BBQ went off without a hitch, although my mom was kinda over-preparing. I'm the host that puts the food and stuff out but if you can't figure it out from there that's your own damn fault. I entertain but I actually sit down and enjoy my party instead of making sure everyone else is having fun.

My cousin is coming to visit the aunt at the end of the month with her brood. I have never been more happy in all my existence to not be somewhere, I swear. If I was still living with the family when they came to visit I might seriously consider getting a hotel room or asking to crash with someone, for serious.

My cousin's life is very... loud. There's a lot of yelling and it's all very disorganized. I don't think she and her husband are bad parents to their three kids but I think they're a bit unconventional and more of those parents who's kids run around a store until the point of annoyance and then they get yelled at to shut up but there's no real parenting or discipline there.

My aunt is always worried about having the cleanest house and perfect meal and making sure everyone else is happy before herself (the very type of host I mentioned above) so I know she's freaking, already concerned with what she's going to feed them all and where they'll go and what they'll do, etc.

We're taking their cat for the time the family is here because Vincent doesn't like kids or loud people or people in general so I hope he and Gracie get along, most of all. On my birthday the neighbour's cat, Raja, came over and let herself into our house and Gracie cornered her on the stairs so Raja couldn't pass. Which I would not have said Gracie would ever do but there she was. I know Gia will like him because Gia just wants to be friends with all cats (and she got along famously with Raja so that made her happy) but Vincent will NOT like Gia. Luckily he has no front claws. And Gracie has no back leg so I think they'll even out.

There's work stuff I could talk about or how tomorrow night I'm supposed to go to my former manager's wedding reception but I don't want to (because I'm a stick in the mud, not because it has to do with her being my manager) but I really just want to go to BED.

Oh, and the stuff coming out of Comic Con makes me kinda wish I was going but at the same time for every cool panel or thing I hear there are a bazillion reasons (read: people) for me to be thankful I'm NOT. EW is streaming some of the panels so I want to try and catch some tomorrow but, really, waiting for 3+ hours in humid heat with literally thousands of other people for one panel that lasts an hour that I probably wouldn't be able to see anyway because I'd be in row zz isn't something I'm eager to attend. NYC was definitely the better choice for me last year.

( TW 103 - Dead of Night )

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Torchwood 403 - set 1 (310 caps ~ 25.6MB) // Torchwood 403 - set 2 (310 caps ~ 25.0MB) // Torchwood 403 - set 3 (310 caps ~ 27.1MB) // gallery

( 403 - Dead of Night )

* Welcome to the new people to my flist from the icon making friending meme!

* Want an icon? Comment here with good quality images. I'll make icons for the first 5 people.

* I have a Google+ account--Who else?! Let me know who you are!

* I saw a new therapist person today, She's actually the daughter of the guy I was seeing before, which is a bit weird. She's personable, though. She had me set up an earlier appointment with my GP to check on my meds because I'm kinda up and down a lot these past couple weeks. Not sleeping, feeling quite overwhelmed. So there's that. I feel okay about this all.

* No midnight show of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 for me. Alas, the distributor has decided not to have one here so I've bought my ticket for the 1pm show on the 15th. Yes, I am taking a day off work just to see a movie. In that area my boss/job is awesome. I can be a total nerd and she accommodates it.

* Anyone have Hanging with Friends or Words with Friends? I'm ErinS26 on both. Wasn't sure about HWF at first but now it's quite fun.

* Season 4 Sons of Anarchy trailer! YAY!



* I'm getting better at the posting thing!

Thank FUCK this week is a short one because if I had to go through five full days like today I might lose my goddamn shit.

Feeling slightly resentful towards my supervisor for taking this week off, but more because there are only two official selling days left for this huge project we're working on and we're nowhere close to budget, overall or for the one my department has. :(

It doesn't help that I only made about five calls today because everyone has fucking problems they can't figure out for themselves. When I say that when people can't figure out their own shit they come to my department it's nowhere close to an exaggeration. Contest? Must be us that's holding it so we'll know about it. Some other company having an event? We'll have the details for sure. Need to get an ad in because you can't seem to understand deadlines? Yeah, we'll throw it in with our shit. Changed the game plan and didn't inform anyone else about it? YES, WE'RE GODDAMN MIND READERS. DIDN'T I TELL YOU I ACED THAT COURSE IN UNIVERSITY?!

I guess everything changed so suddenly in the past year that I've gone from being the "new" person (last one to join the department for over a year) to being the senior person so everyone automatically assumes I have the answers when my boss is away. And I kind of do but I just don't know it until I'm forced to make the decisions. But damn, does it suck sometimes. You're so busy helping everyone else with their jobs you can't do your own.

I also didn't take a full dose of my anti-depressants over the weekend because I woke up late every day so I don't know if that's affected me but I'm kind of a mess tonight. The events happening around the world right now aren't helping, either. I'm either filled with apathetic cynicism or overwhelming sadness, neither of which I want to feel right now. Blunt but true. I think I also need to go the fuck to bed. So I will.

Tomorrow will be a better, brighter (and warmer?! PLEASE! -5 is a LIE!) and more productive day. Here, have a picture of my cat.

My therpist wants to see if my doc would recommend I get referred to a psychiatrist to check out my meds and the chemical stuff that I have going on right now. I think he's concerned that, despit me being on my meds for over a month now, that I'm not necessarily feeling BETTER. I mean, I feel more even, for sure, but I don't feel BETTER. Right now I'm at a place where I am still feeling some panic and sadness but I can't properly emote that. I can't cry. I don't know what's worse--crying three times a day over nothing and while driving or feeling sad and wanting to cry but not being able to. I'm very flat at the moment. It feels like my panic and sadness are muffled and I can't properly express them, even to describe the feelings, which is something I'm usually very good at, to explain to someone what's going on with me.

I also have no drive to do anything. I WANT to get better but I feel no desire, drive, ability or need to do it. It's not the worst way to feel but it's definitely not a good way to be functioning at the moment. I want to FEEL again, even the bad things. Because the bad things make the awesome things that much better.

The hives have been coming and going so I haven't been back to the doctor. I didn't see a point since the most he could do would put me on steroids again and once they were gone the hives would be back, so. They're not as bad as they were at first but they're still annoying and itchy as hell. I'll just scratch and get by.

( Southland )

( I also started watching Big Bang Theory season 2, talk about Raising Hope & Harper's Island )

( Talk about movies and awards season )

( Primeval 404 )

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Primeval 404 set 1 (371 caps ~ 29.3MB) // Primeval 404 set 1 (371 caps ~ 27.6MB) // gallery

( Primeval 404 )

It doesn't feel like it's been that long since I made a post but I guiess it has been a week. Not a whole lot has been going on but at the same time it feels like forever.

I broke out into some nasty hives on Monday. I've never had hives like this before. People were seeing shapes in the spots as they grew and merged. It was funny except, you know, they itched like a motherfucker and I felt like a freak. Luckily I had an appointment with the doctor on Tuesday and he prescribed me some steroids for them. They made the hives go away for the meantime but today's my last dose of them so they could very well come back tomorrow. I didn't take my dose on time yesterday and broke out on my arms and legs again, although not as bad since they didn't have enough time to spread.

The doctor increased my anti-depressant dosage to one and a half a day. He also said I should take two of the sleeping pills he'd prescribed to me until the hives clear up and then I can take one of the ones I've been on and half of another he gave me. I'm just your regular pharmacy at this point. Last week as a whole wasn't the best. I've felt more emotional and the pressure of the panic has been present more than since I've been on the meds.

There are things I know I should be doing, things that I want to do for myself to get back into the swing of things in my mind--creatively--that I just can't bring myself to do. I know I have to reply to comments, participate in communities, ATTEMPT TO WRITE and yet I just can't bring myself to do it. It's much easier to piss away time doing nothing and watching TV.

The doc said that I should be seeing a sign in my energy level while on the meds but I don't think I have yet. I'm still not sleeping the best and while I have grand plans during the day for what I want to do after work by the time I get there all I want to do is sit on the couch and that leads to falling asleep. I have been walking more this past week, a couple times at lunch (more walking to stores to actually do things but I'm walking instead of driving) and then a couple times after work. I like walking but I don't see enough of a difference or feel a payoff yet.

I'm seeing my therapist again this week so I'll talk to him about all this and ... I don't know. I don't know where else to go next. I guess I'm waiting for the pills to give me enough of a boost to be proactive about getting well. Pathetic, no?

( I'm almost finished season 1 of Southland )

( Primeval 403 )

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Primeval 403 set 1 (286 caps ~ 27.0MB) // Primeval 403 set 2 (286 caps ~ 23.1MB) // Primeval 403 set 3 (286 caps ~ 24.0MB) // gallery

( Primeval 403 )

( Christmas stuff )

Sadly the food was probably the most exciting part of the day(s) for me. Which might actually be a good thing, seeing as how I get horribly depressed normally during the holidays. Tonight I'm feeling some anxiety over the gifts thing as I mentioned above but generally I'm feeling very flat. I guess that's the pills working for me. It hasn't felt like Christmas to start with but now that it's all over I can't believe it even happened. This morning before I even arrived at the house I wondered why we were even celebrating at all, to be honest.

So while I'm not super upset right now, I'm also little more than despondant over the whole holiday thing. I'm just as pleased to take a nap, get up ridiculously early to do some boxing day shopping (for nothing in particular, it's more the novelty of it all that I'm still amused by), get some groceries so I don't have to go out for two days and come home to sleep. The end.

( A Christmas Carol )

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Doctor Who 600 set 1 (226 caps ~ 6.13MB) // Doctor Who 600 set 2 (226 caps ~ 17.8MB) // Doctor Who 600 set 3 (226 caps ~ 20.4MB) // Doctor Who 600 set 4 (226 caps ~ 17.5MB) // Doctor Who 600 set 5 (226 caps ~ 19.9MB) // gallery

( A Christmas Carol )