summer_skin | tumblrs, twitters and icons oh my! (and RL stuff) (Reply)

I changed my name at places on the intarwebs so I thought I'd update and put my links out there for people so they know the new name is me or if you want to add me. I'm not particularly interesting on either but whatever.

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I haven't been posting very much this month. Partly because there haven't been any of my shows on to post about and partly because of RL. My living room was leaking the week before last because of all the snow that's melting. We're only starting our melting season, too, so I don't know what to think right now. I know I need to get out of here, though, because this place will be horrible once the bugs start coming and my landlord is pretty apathetic to the leaking other than trying to make sure it doesn't keep doing it. Like, he hasn't talked about trying to see WHY it's leaking or checking inside the walls for mold or if the electrical could be affected since that's where my TV/Blu-Ray/Computer are. Great.

Which brings me to a situation in which I .

I've gone on and on about how I want my mom to move out here, how I'll feel so much better if she did and I can't understand why she'd want to stay and home, etc, etc.

Well now it looks like she's going to be coming out here and I'm dreading it. I KNOW, I KNOW. It's because I'm pretty sure we'll HAVE to live together when she comes out. She can't stay with my aunt and uncle forever and she probably won't be able to afford a place on her own and I'm just all in a tizzy because I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH MY MOM AGAIN.

I love her, I want her out here but good god, I don't want to live with ANYONE right now, let alone the woman who still scolds me (albeit now in a more laughing manner but still).

When I was still living with the family I totally wanted to live with her because it would mean I would be living in my own place, you know? But now I HAVE my own place and it's by myself and I LOVE it. I love living alone. I love having the whole space to myself. I love having my cat and staying up until when I want and not being secluded to one area because the TV isn't on what I want to watch or because I want to listen to music. I don't want to go back to sharing a bathroom and kitchen and living room and being trapped in my bedroom.

Sure, we can look for a place that has maybe two living rooms or a living room and rec room or something (because we're probably going to need a house, I think) but we won't have THAT much money between us and I just don't know. Not to mention finding a place that will take a dog and POSSIBLY two cats. I wasn't told this by my mom but months ago my aunt told me mom told HER that if she came she'd leave her cat behind with a friend since he's older and she's going to have to drive across the country. But now she wants to bring him and I'm like... I GUESS you can bring him. I DON'T WANT HER TO BRING HIM. I have a cat. I'm fucking allergic to dogs (but I love them, although this is a new dog I've not met yet) and I don't want another fucking cat in the house and I say that AS A CAT PERSON.

Gracie is AMAZING right now, so much more open than I remember her when I visited her in a house with two dogs and two other cats and three kids. I don't want to overwhelm her or make her change from who she is right now.

Dammit. I feel awful for feeling this way but every time I start thinking about how much stuff is going to change just MONTHS after I completely upended my life and GOT USED TO IT I start to get very worked up and angry. And I have no idea how to talk to my mom about this.

She's in a bad place herself, I know. Mentally she's not coping well with this because she DOES NOT want to move out here. If her company offered her a last minute job she'd stay and although I don't want her to stay THERE I would feel relief that she wouldn't be HERE (as in in my living room, not in my city). I don't know how to express that to her (because I can't just let it fester and bottle up, especially since I'm doing a lot better mentally myself and am just starting to feel like I'm on an even keel again) without making HER feel like shit.

If I say something SHE feels like shit. If I don't I feel like shit. Goddammit. If she'd known what she was going to do six months ago or if this whole thing had been sped up a bit I wouldn't have moved, you know? So I wouldn't have known any different.

I've already told my mom she CANNOT smoke in the house (she's not a heavy smoker but enough that shit STINKS) and that I'm actually a very neat person. She's... not. She's probably a step below a hoarder, honestly. I grew up in a hoarder situation that if child services had known or seen what I was living in they would have taken me away in a heartbeat. She's not that bad now but she's still a VERY cluttery person and like... we've eaten at my kitchen table twice since we moved into my house when I was 11. I'm 28 now.

She wouldn't bring all that stuff with her when she came since she won't have room but I refuse to let any place I move into with her become like that. She just finds little trinkets or brings stuff out to use it and never puts it back or buys new stuff without getting rid of the old. I CANNOT live like that.

There are so many things that my mom has in her head about what's going to happen, I think, and it's not going to be at all what she thought. She's coming out here next to blind and I'm going to have to be her guide through everything. Things in this province are NOT like at home and she's already going to have such a hard time adjusting since she DOESN'T want to be here. She's going to resist and think she can do things THIS way when THAT way is more reasonable. And since she's my mom I worry that she's just going to think that she will do things HER way, you know?

If this all happens and we do end up living together I have to make it clear to her that we're not moving in together as mother and daughter but as roommates. I can't live with my "mother" again. I haven't LIVED with her since summer of 2003 and not full time since 2000 which is a LONG ASS TIME to be used to NOT having your mom over your shoulder all the time.

I guess it's also hard going into this knowing that she's such an independant person and SO FUCKING STUBBORN and she's really going to be relying on me. I kind of want her to just follow my lead and let me take the resigns on most of the stuff at first but honestly... I just don't want this at all. When I think about it too much I almost work myself into a panic attack.

I HATE that I basically have no choice in this. My aunt said I HAVE to move in with my mom because she has nowhere else to go. Which makes me feel so fucking trapped. If there's something I hate it's that I'm not ASKED about things, that my opinion isn't asked for. That I'm just expected to go along with something blindly and that's what this feels like. It would be so different if I had to move back in with my mom in HER house because I grew up there and it's HER house. I would know that and would follow HER rules. This is all new territory.

So there. A very long explanation to ... well, not a simple problem. I don't think so, anyway. Have any of you ever had to go through something like this?

If you rea through all that CONGRATULATIONS! You win some icons!

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