summer_skin: (SPN - (302) Sam- uh sheyah)
[personal profile] summer_skin
At my job over the summer the computer I used had a lot of joke emails in a folder in my account. I forwarded a couple to myself because someday I'd really like to try some of these.



Things to tell the telemarketer who calls

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died ... "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they
can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ... louder ... louder ...

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.




15 Things to do at Wal-Mart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 2-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while, then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Date: 2007-11-29 04:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] catchmelike.livejournal.com
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
I was going to say this was my favorite. But then I read this one:

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
HAHAHAHA.

Date: 2007-11-30 06:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] summer-skin.livejournal.com
I want to try them all! But I never get telemarketer calls. :( Now that I've said that I'll probably get 50 in a week. Oops!

Date: 2007-11-30 09:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] catchmelike.livejournal.com
We don't get them as much as we used to. Mom gets them on her CELL PHONE now though. It's really annoying.

Date: 2007-11-29 04:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caithream.livejournal.com
But. BUT. What about the shopping cart races in Walmart! TRULY THE BEST. Especially at two in the morning ahahaaaa.

Date: 2007-11-30 06:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] summer-skin.livejournal.com
I don't think I've ever seen/heard of those before. There are just too many people in our walmarts to do that anyway. It's kind of pathetic. :(

Date: 2007-11-29 05:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mclachlan.livejournal.com
I am CRACKING up over here.

Date: 2007-11-30 06:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] summer-skin.livejournal.com
Even if I read them this morning I could read them again right now and just about pee myself from laughing at them.

Date: 2007-11-29 06:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] miss-sarac.livejournal.com
my BFF & I used to read these all the time. I love them!

thanks for the pick me up :) I especially love this one:
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

Date: 2007-11-30 05:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] summer-skin.livejournal.com
I would love to try that but I'm afraid of being banned from the walmart. I'd like to try the one where I say there's a code 3 in a department, just to see what happens. They'd probably look at me and be like- erm, okay. That means?

Date: 2007-11-29 09:00 am (UTC)
ext_41467: (DT-scenes)
From: [identity profile] koulagirl666.livejournal.com
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

We have lottery ads where the balls do that while spouting silly cliches...

Date: 2007-11-30 05:54 am (UTC)

Date: 2007-11-29 10:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blondychik1.livejournal.com
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

I SO want to do this! haha

Date: 2007-11-30 05:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] summer-skin.livejournal.com
That seems to be the fan favourite!

Date: 2007-11-29 12:52 pm (UTC)
ext_66100: (Default)
From: [identity profile] ozchique.livejournal.com
I'm so evil, I want to do every one of this 15 things to do at Wal-mart. I haven't laughed so hard in a while. Thanks for sharing.

Date: 2007-11-30 05:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] summer-skin.livejournal.com
the walmart ones are easier for me to do than the telemarketer ones. But I could be banned from walmart so. There are evils to both.

Date: 2007-11-29 05:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] turnyourankle.livejournal.com
i'm gonna have to memorize some of the telemarketer ones hahah. they only ever call when i'm home.

Date: 2007-11-30 05:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] summer-skin.livejournal.com
I never get calls from them! Which is good, I know, but when am I ever going to use these? :(

Date: 2007-11-29 10:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lunachickk.livejournal.com
My mother can't wait to try out #12 on a telemarketer. ;)

Date: 2007-11-30 05:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] summer-skin.livejournal.com
That one is probably my fave from that set, I think. I get maybe three telemarketer calls a year, though, so it'll be awhile before I can use it. :(

Date: 2007-12-05 08:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jade-kadir.livejournal.com
Dude these are hilarious. I love it. :) *GiggleSnort*

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