i r srs post
Jun. 8th, 2010 11:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
summer_skinAt first I was going to filter this, and then I was just going to post it to my friends list but I don't know if that's the best way to enter this new part of my life and health so here it is. The most public private post I might ever make.
I haven't always struggled with my weight. I mean, when I was younger I was a little chubby and thought I was bigger than every one else, of course, but this is the biggest I've ever been in my life so I'd give anything to have the body I had in HS or early university. I started getting out of control in my 1st year, when I gained the frosh THIRTY. But I lost a lot of weight in the next couple of years thanks to meals prepared at the caf and a free gym (oh, to be a full time student again).
This post is about where I am with my weight, my health, my mental view of everything and some revelations I've made on the issue. I want to take this seriously. I want to do something about this because I hate feeling like this.
Read if you want, comments are appreciated. I'd like to be as open as possible in this forum where I've spoken about my life over the past seven years.
My name is Erin and I'm a food addict.
Thinking those words made me tear up as I wrote them because of a couple reasons. One because I'm not sure people would take me seriously outside of the circle of other people who are food addicts. I fear it won't be taken as seriously as a drug or alcohol dependency. And two because my mother is an alcoholic. She has been sober for 10 years now and I'm so proud of her. But now I'm struggling and I feel very two-faced, I guess, for the judgment I have felt in my heart and mind over her alcoholism and over other people in my family who have the same issue.
I feel like a hypocrite. But admitting it, being ABLE to admit it and realize that it's even there to admit is amazing, I know. Now that I'm on the other side it's a whole new ballgame.
I don't really know where to go next. I want to quit cold turkey but I'm not sure where I should start. Or finish.
Food addiction, in my head, seems like a totally different beast than drugs and alcohol. Those are substances that if you cut them out of your life you don't need them to survive in a healthy life. Food, however, is something you can't escape.
I am also someone who does NOT want to become one of those people who think if they eat a donut they have to exercise for two hours and never have another one for weeks and weeks. I like indulging. I like having treats.
I know about the food guide and moderation and balancing food with exercise. I know there are alternatives to sweets and things that are unhealthy. I know all this and yet I turn my head and go the other way. Toward the chocolate and chips and cookies and ice cream and popcorn and everything else that in the morning when I wake up I vow to abstain from, at least for the day. EVERY day.
Many of my daily routines or experiences revolve around food. Going out to restaurants with friends. Thinking about what sweet I can buy on my lunch break. Buying things blindly JUST TO BUY SOMETHING even though I'm not hungry. Often spending money and food go hand in hand but I've also noticed a correlation between NOT getting something extra to eat on my lunch breaks (which is when I have the most free time on my hands to go roam the malls) and buying something else instead, just to buy something. I don't feel bad for NOT buying food/items when I return to the office empty handed but I think there's a need to have to do SOMETHING on my lunch break and spending money is that thing.
However, the money spending issue is not the one I'm worried about. I have the ability to step back when I know I need to conserve money or need it for something else and I'm working on getting my credit card balance down. I have taken it out of my wallet and no longer carry it with me daily to prevent frivolous spending as a result. The spending thing may become an issue in the future but I'm trying to take control of those right now to prevent anything from developing.
A year ago I was in two rear collisions in my car. These accidents have prevented me from doing prolonged activity and now my gym has gone out of business. Even if it was still in business, however, I still can't go perform a regular work out routine because my back is so fucked up.
I have started to do short walks around my neighbourhood as I am going to New York in July and know there will be a lot of walking involved, standing, activity I'm not used to on a daily basis. This is why I'm starting on the short walks. I can feel myself getting a bit stronger but it's hard to keep myself motivated to walk. I LIKE walking but it's easier to stay inside and eat and watch TV than to go outside and separate myself from those things.
I fear that admitting I have this addiction will allow me to give in to my cravings for more food, junk food, things that are unnecessary and unhealthy.
There is a food addicts anonymous meeting in my town every Monday which I am considering attending, however, because its 12 steps are the same or very close to those of AA there is a lot of dependency on God and a higher power, which I do not believe in. If I want this to work I cannot pledge to allow God or something akin to that to lead my way. I feel I often have a very stubborn will on my own but I don't know if on my own I can resist that which I know is wrong and yet indulge in anyway.
This is not something that I've just woken up and decided for myself. My doctor has recommended me to the dietician, who I saw for a few months, and it seemed like for every thing she told me I should do I resisted against her even though I KNEW and KNOW better. He suggested allowing myself, say, Friday and Saturday to cheat (I say cheat instead of binge but basically he meant that on Friday and Saturday they could go against their normally pretty healthy diet and eat chips & ice cream and whatnot) and I said that I've tried that on myself but that I will just eat junk every day. He suggested not keeping it in the house but, again, I WILL FIND A WAY. I will take a walk and go to the convenience store and buy junk, which I justify because I took a walk. A ten minute fucking walk.
He said that I can't gain anymore weight. My back problems are likely very exacerbated by my increasing weight. I KNOW my body is weaker and hurts because of my weight. And I used to be a size 9/10, which I LOVED. I was so healthy and felt so good then. I do NOT feel good now.
I know, as a smart, logical, sane person that the way I eat is unhealthy and I need to stop. My doctor said that some people have addictions to cigarettes or alcohol and others have an addiction to food and perhaps I do. It all clicked. Right there and then. I come from an addictive family. My grandfather, mother and aunt were/are all alcoholics. I am not dependent on that but I am with food. I never thought I'd be an alcoholic but then again, I never thought I'd ever say I was addicted to food.
I think I'm going to set out some goals for myself right now to try to achieve. Both short-term and long-term. Some of them might be totally off base but some of them I HAVE to focus on to be healthy. Yes, I want to lose weight, but I want to FEEL GOOD most of all. I want to be able to go to New York and not be out of breath from walking and ENJOY myself. Some of that will be enjoying the food and I will because I love food, but I want to do it because it's an experience, not because I HAVE to HAVE it and don't know why.
So, goals.
01) Eat more fruits and veggies. This one seems so easy but I'm so picky it's stupid. I will force myself to eat things I don't really like (ie: right now I don't really like bananas as I go through food phases but I will eat them out of habit).
Fruits & Veggies I'll eat: bananas, oranges (but it takes me so goddamn long to peel them to the point of where I'll eat them), apples, grapes, strawberries, carrots, celery w/ PB, cucumbers, tomatoes, potatoes (is this REALLY A VEGGIE?), broccoli & cauliflower. There might be more but these are the basic ones.
02) Stop eating junk: easier said than done. I've said this SO MANY GODDAMN TIMES before and yet as soon as I say it I find myself on my way to the freezer or out for a sweet or SOMETHING. I will have to constantly keep myself in check on this one but I don't know how well I will be able to do that. So, small goals. Starting today I will not eat any more junk (chips, chocolate, candy, sweets of any kind) until Friday. That's two days. Beyond that I'll start Sunday again and go until the following Friday. I don't think cutting sweets out totally will work with me because I'll fail and then think I'm a failure.
Things I will still eat: --Those Mr Christie chocolate and yogurt covered pretzels. I've never eaten more than a bag at a time and usually only take a couple with me to work. Because they're for work (and out of site, out of mind) I don't normally touch them when I'm at home but if I need a chocolate fix I can turn to those. --Popcorn?. I guess I'll have to watch what kind I make but I really like the microwave popcorn and sometimes I really need a salt fix. -- My supervisor (who is one of those crazy 'eat a donut, work out for 2 hours people) mentioned some cored apple & splenda brown sugar thing for oatmeal. Maybe I could find some other things like this? Or maybe just some cinnamon/fake sugar mixture on apples?
03) Out of sight, out of mind: This includes things in the house and what I do with myself during my free time. Instead of going to the mall on my lunch breaks when I have nothing to do I will go to the pet store and visit with the animals or maybe go for a walk. Even sitting outside with a book is better than going somewhere where there will be junk food that I will be compelled to eat.
04) A counter measure for cravings: Not sure how this one will work, really, but every time a thought pops into my head that I want something and that I'm plotting out how to get it I will try to make myself do ten sit ups or a set of my physio exercises. I obviously cannot do this at work but I can do it at home when I'm alone and not as busy to distract myself and when I have the cravings more often. We'll see how this one goes.
05) Start weighing myself regularly and recording it: I stopped weighing myself years ago and looking at it. It was a healthy thing at the time but after that things started to go south. Back in 2002/2003-ish I was going to the gym a lot and walking so I lost a lot of weight and went by how things fit me, rather than numbers. I want to do the same now but I also have to be aware of the numbers that I'm at right now to give myself a to aim for. I don't think, however, I'll be publically posting my weight just because I don't know how I'll feel about that.
06) Lose weight: Five pounds at first. Then ten. Then twenty. I don't have an ideal goal weight in mind but I'd like to get down to a size 12 or even 10. That's when I was fittest and healthiest. I'm young enough that it can happen.
07) Don't be afraid to talk about things: This one will be hard for me because I'm someone who doesn't like to break down in front of people or really discuss the things in my head because a) it requires a lot of explaining often, b) people often don't get it and c) I'm a private person. But this is something I have to do. I won't come right out and say that I'm a food addict but I refuse to hide that I'm struggling with food issues. I think my supervisor would be someone I COULD talk to about it but at the same time, like I said, she's also the crazy donut later and a recovering anorexic who still has a poor body image. She ran for two weeks on a broken foot even though she knew something was wrong but she didn't want to stop running because she loves running and loves the calorie burn. Kudos to her for wanting to be so healthy but she takes it to an extreme that I will never have (I don't think, anyway) and that I don't WANT because I want to ENJOY food without being dependent on it. But I think she might be a good person to talk to about alternate recipes and for motivation.
08) Look into seeing a couselor/therapist: I've been meaning to do this for a while, honestly. After I came back from school I was in SUCH a terrible place and I was horribly depressed (for me, I know other people go to much deeper, darker places when they're depressed) and I'd lost interest in many things I formerly loved, like writing. I'm still struggling creatively, although I'm starting to feel things rebounding, but who knows, maybe it's a false alarm. I think it would be good to talk to someone about a lot of issues, including my family's dependency issues, my dependency issues, depression, etc.
09) Food diary: This one I'm iffy on just because I've tried it before and I can never remember to write things and measurements down. Maybe if I only wrote down items at first instead of trying to calculate the fat grams and calories and this and that I'd be less daunted.
10) Plan ahead: Snacks, meals, etc. I buy all my groceries once a week but I think I'll have to be a bit more creative and even prepare things the night before.
11) Spend more money: on the right things. Fresh food costs more. Buy more fruits and veggies, healthy alternatives and EAT THEM.
12) No excuses: Don't use this as a reason to pig out. Be smarter. If I fall off the wagon I get back on.
13) Be happy: My biggest goal in life has always been to be happy. And obviously I'm not. So much of my day is centred on thoughts of how much I weigh, the food I've eaten, what I want to eat, what I'm craving and giving into it. I want to feel good about myself in every way possible. This is the first step of many.
I'm unsure of where to go next as far as how to approach this. I have made resolutions to myself in the past that I won't eat any more junk and I would exercise and do this and that but this time I HAVE to do it. I have to finally grab hold of myself and snap the fuck out of it. I would like to say I'm going to post often with updates but I don't know if I will commit to that. I will try, though, because I think there are other people on my flist that would be supportive and have awesome advice. If I'm going to give this a good go I have to be accountable for myself. So I will try.
I haven't always struggled with my weight. I mean, when I was younger I was a little chubby and thought I was bigger than every one else, of course, but this is the biggest I've ever been in my life so I'd give anything to have the body I had in HS or early university. I started getting out of control in my 1st year, when I gained the frosh THIRTY. But I lost a lot of weight in the next couple of years thanks to meals prepared at the caf and a free gym (oh, to be a full time student again).
This post is about where I am with my weight, my health, my mental view of everything and some revelations I've made on the issue. I want to take this seriously. I want to do something about this because I hate feeling like this.
Read if you want, comments are appreciated. I'd like to be as open as possible in this forum where I've spoken about my life over the past seven years.
My name is Erin and I'm a food addict.
Thinking those words made me tear up as I wrote them because of a couple reasons. One because I'm not sure people would take me seriously outside of the circle of other people who are food addicts. I fear it won't be taken as seriously as a drug or alcohol dependency. And two because my mother is an alcoholic. She has been sober for 10 years now and I'm so proud of her. But now I'm struggling and I feel very two-faced, I guess, for the judgment I have felt in my heart and mind over her alcoholism and over other people in my family who have the same issue.
I feel like a hypocrite. But admitting it, being ABLE to admit it and realize that it's even there to admit is amazing, I know. Now that I'm on the other side it's a whole new ballgame.
I don't really know where to go next. I want to quit cold turkey but I'm not sure where I should start. Or finish.
Food addiction, in my head, seems like a totally different beast than drugs and alcohol. Those are substances that if you cut them out of your life you don't need them to survive in a healthy life. Food, however, is something you can't escape.
I am also someone who does NOT want to become one of those people who think if they eat a donut they have to exercise for two hours and never have another one for weeks and weeks. I like indulging. I like having treats.
I know about the food guide and moderation and balancing food with exercise. I know there are alternatives to sweets and things that are unhealthy. I know all this and yet I turn my head and go the other way. Toward the chocolate and chips and cookies and ice cream and popcorn and everything else that in the morning when I wake up I vow to abstain from, at least for the day. EVERY day.
Many of my daily routines or experiences revolve around food. Going out to restaurants with friends. Thinking about what sweet I can buy on my lunch break. Buying things blindly JUST TO BUY SOMETHING even though I'm not hungry. Often spending money and food go hand in hand but I've also noticed a correlation between NOT getting something extra to eat on my lunch breaks (which is when I have the most free time on my hands to go roam the malls) and buying something else instead, just to buy something. I don't feel bad for NOT buying food/items when I return to the office empty handed but I think there's a need to have to do SOMETHING on my lunch break and spending money is that thing.
However, the money spending issue is not the one I'm worried about. I have the ability to step back when I know I need to conserve money or need it for something else and I'm working on getting my credit card balance down. I have taken it out of my wallet and no longer carry it with me daily to prevent frivolous spending as a result. The spending thing may become an issue in the future but I'm trying to take control of those right now to prevent anything from developing.
A year ago I was in two rear collisions in my car. These accidents have prevented me from doing prolonged activity and now my gym has gone out of business. Even if it was still in business, however, I still can't go perform a regular work out routine because my back is so fucked up.
I have started to do short walks around my neighbourhood as I am going to New York in July and know there will be a lot of walking involved, standing, activity I'm not used to on a daily basis. This is why I'm starting on the short walks. I can feel myself getting a bit stronger but it's hard to keep myself motivated to walk. I LIKE walking but it's easier to stay inside and eat and watch TV than to go outside and separate myself from those things.
I fear that admitting I have this addiction will allow me to give in to my cravings for more food, junk food, things that are unnecessary and unhealthy.
There is a food addicts anonymous meeting in my town every Monday which I am considering attending, however, because its 12 steps are the same or very close to those of AA there is a lot of dependency on God and a higher power, which I do not believe in. If I want this to work I cannot pledge to allow God or something akin to that to lead my way. I feel I often have a very stubborn will on my own but I don't know if on my own I can resist that which I know is wrong and yet indulge in anyway.
This is not something that I've just woken up and decided for myself. My doctor has recommended me to the dietician, who I saw for a few months, and it seemed like for every thing she told me I should do I resisted against her even though I KNEW and KNOW better. He suggested allowing myself, say, Friday and Saturday to cheat (I say cheat instead of binge but basically he meant that on Friday and Saturday they could go against their normally pretty healthy diet and eat chips & ice cream and whatnot) and I said that I've tried that on myself but that I will just eat junk every day. He suggested not keeping it in the house but, again, I WILL FIND A WAY. I will take a walk and go to the convenience store and buy junk, which I justify because I took a walk. A ten minute fucking walk.
He said that I can't gain anymore weight. My back problems are likely very exacerbated by my increasing weight. I KNOW my body is weaker and hurts because of my weight. And I used to be a size 9/10, which I LOVED. I was so healthy and felt so good then. I do NOT feel good now.
I know, as a smart, logical, sane person that the way I eat is unhealthy and I need to stop. My doctor said that some people have addictions to cigarettes or alcohol and others have an addiction to food and perhaps I do. It all clicked. Right there and then. I come from an addictive family. My grandfather, mother and aunt were/are all alcoholics. I am not dependent on that but I am with food. I never thought I'd be an alcoholic but then again, I never thought I'd ever say I was addicted to food.
I think I'm going to set out some goals for myself right now to try to achieve. Both short-term and long-term. Some of them might be totally off base but some of them I HAVE to focus on to be healthy. Yes, I want to lose weight, but I want to FEEL GOOD most of all. I want to be able to go to New York and not be out of breath from walking and ENJOY myself. Some of that will be enjoying the food and I will because I love food, but I want to do it because it's an experience, not because I HAVE to HAVE it and don't know why.
So, goals.
01) Eat more fruits and veggies. This one seems so easy but I'm so picky it's stupid. I will force myself to eat things I don't really like (ie: right now I don't really like bananas as I go through food phases but I will eat them out of habit).
Fruits & Veggies I'll eat: bananas, oranges (but it takes me so goddamn long to peel them to the point of where I'll eat them), apples, grapes, strawberries, carrots, celery w/ PB, cucumbers, tomatoes, potatoes (is this REALLY A VEGGIE?), broccoli & cauliflower. There might be more but these are the basic ones.
02) Stop eating junk: easier said than done. I've said this SO MANY GODDAMN TIMES before and yet as soon as I say it I find myself on my way to the freezer or out for a sweet or SOMETHING. I will have to constantly keep myself in check on this one but I don't know how well I will be able to do that. So, small goals. Starting today I will not eat any more junk (chips, chocolate, candy, sweets of any kind) until Friday. That's two days. Beyond that I'll start Sunday again and go until the following Friday. I don't think cutting sweets out totally will work with me because I'll fail and then think I'm a failure.
Things I will still eat: --Those Mr Christie chocolate and yogurt covered pretzels. I've never eaten more than a bag at a time and usually only take a couple with me to work. Because they're for work (and out of site, out of mind) I don't normally touch them when I'm at home but if I need a chocolate fix I can turn to those. --Popcorn?. I guess I'll have to watch what kind I make but I really like the microwave popcorn and sometimes I really need a salt fix. -- My supervisor (who is one of those crazy 'eat a donut, work out for 2 hours people) mentioned some cored apple & splenda brown sugar thing for oatmeal. Maybe I could find some other things like this? Or maybe just some cinnamon/fake sugar mixture on apples?
03) Out of sight, out of mind: This includes things in the house and what I do with myself during my free time. Instead of going to the mall on my lunch breaks when I have nothing to do I will go to the pet store and visit with the animals or maybe go for a walk. Even sitting outside with a book is better than going somewhere where there will be junk food that I will be compelled to eat.
04) A counter measure for cravings: Not sure how this one will work, really, but every time a thought pops into my head that I want something and that I'm plotting out how to get it I will try to make myself do ten sit ups or a set of my physio exercises. I obviously cannot do this at work but I can do it at home when I'm alone and not as busy to distract myself and when I have the cravings more often. We'll see how this one goes.
05) Start weighing myself regularly and recording it: I stopped weighing myself years ago and looking at it. It was a healthy thing at the time but after that things started to go south. Back in 2002/2003-ish I was going to the gym a lot and walking so I lost a lot of weight and went by how things fit me, rather than numbers. I want to do the same now but I also have to be aware of the numbers that I'm at right now to give myself a to aim for. I don't think, however, I'll be publically posting my weight just because I don't know how I'll feel about that.
06) Lose weight: Five pounds at first. Then ten. Then twenty. I don't have an ideal goal weight in mind but I'd like to get down to a size 12 or even 10. That's when I was fittest and healthiest. I'm young enough that it can happen.
07) Don't be afraid to talk about things: This one will be hard for me because I'm someone who doesn't like to break down in front of people or really discuss the things in my head because a) it requires a lot of explaining often, b) people often don't get it and c) I'm a private person. But this is something I have to do. I won't come right out and say that I'm a food addict but I refuse to hide that I'm struggling with food issues. I think my supervisor would be someone I COULD talk to about it but at the same time, like I said, she's also the crazy donut later and a recovering anorexic who still has a poor body image. She ran for two weeks on a broken foot even though she knew something was wrong but she didn't want to stop running because she loves running and loves the calorie burn. Kudos to her for wanting to be so healthy but she takes it to an extreme that I will never have (I don't think, anyway) and that I don't WANT because I want to ENJOY food without being dependent on it. But I think she might be a good person to talk to about alternate recipes and for motivation.
08) Look into seeing a couselor/therapist: I've been meaning to do this for a while, honestly. After I came back from school I was in SUCH a terrible place and I was horribly depressed (for me, I know other people go to much deeper, darker places when they're depressed) and I'd lost interest in many things I formerly loved, like writing. I'm still struggling creatively, although I'm starting to feel things rebounding, but who knows, maybe it's a false alarm. I think it would be good to talk to someone about a lot of issues, including my family's dependency issues, my dependency issues, depression, etc.
09) Food diary: This one I'm iffy on just because I've tried it before and I can never remember to write things and measurements down. Maybe if I only wrote down items at first instead of trying to calculate the fat grams and calories and this and that I'd be less daunted.
10) Plan ahead: Snacks, meals, etc. I buy all my groceries once a week but I think I'll have to be a bit more creative and even prepare things the night before.
11) Spend more money: on the right things. Fresh food costs more. Buy more fruits and veggies, healthy alternatives and EAT THEM.
12) No excuses: Don't use this as a reason to pig out. Be smarter. If I fall off the wagon I get back on.
13) Be happy: My biggest goal in life has always been to be happy. And obviously I'm not. So much of my day is centred on thoughts of how much I weigh, the food I've eaten, what I want to eat, what I'm craving and giving into it. I want to feel good about myself in every way possible. This is the first step of many.
I'm unsure of where to go next as far as how to approach this. I have made resolutions to myself in the past that I won't eat any more junk and I would exercise and do this and that but this time I HAVE to do it. I have to finally grab hold of myself and snap the fuck out of it. I would like to say I'm going to post often with updates but I don't know if I will commit to that. I will try, though, because I think there are other people on my flist that would be supportive and have awesome advice. If I'm going to give this a good go I have to be accountable for myself. So I will try.
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no subject
Date: 2010-06-14 03:12 am (UTC)Have you taken steps to get things in line with yourself? Have you ever gone to an FAA meeting?
I'm approaching things day by day for sure and while I'm still thinking about food all the time I'm also thinking "NO" every time something comes up that's not good.