i r srs post
Jun. 8th, 2010 11:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
summer_skinAt first I was going to filter this, and then I was just going to post it to my friends list but I don't know if that's the best way to enter this new part of my life and health so here it is. The most public private post I might ever make.
I haven't always struggled with my weight. I mean, when I was younger I was a little chubby and thought I was bigger than every one else, of course, but this is the biggest I've ever been in my life so I'd give anything to have the body I had in HS or early university. I started getting out of control in my 1st year, when I gained the frosh THIRTY. But I lost a lot of weight in the next couple of years thanks to meals prepared at the caf and a free gym (oh, to be a full time student again).
This post is about where I am with my weight, my health, my mental view of everything and some revelations I've made on the issue. I want to take this seriously. I want to do something about this because I hate feeling like this.
Read if you want, comments are appreciated. I'd like to be as open as possible in this forum where I've spoken about my life over the past seven years.
My name is Erin and I'm a food addict.
Thinking those words made me tear up as I wrote them because of a couple reasons. One because I'm not sure people would take me seriously outside of the circle of other people who are food addicts. I fear it won't be taken as seriously as a drug or alcohol dependency. And two because my mother is an alcoholic. She has been sober for 10 years now and I'm so proud of her. But now I'm struggling and I feel very two-faced, I guess, for the judgment I have felt in my heart and mind over her alcoholism and over other people in my family who have the same issue.
I feel like a hypocrite. But admitting it, being ABLE to admit it and realize that it's even there to admit is amazing, I know. Now that I'm on the other side it's a whole new ballgame.
I don't really know where to go next. I want to quit cold turkey but I'm not sure where I should start. Or finish.
Food addiction, in my head, seems like a totally different beast than drugs and alcohol. Those are substances that if you cut them out of your life you don't need them to survive in a healthy life. Food, however, is something you can't escape.
I am also someone who does NOT want to become one of those people who think if they eat a donut they have to exercise for two hours and never have another one for weeks and weeks. I like indulging. I like having treats.
I know about the food guide and moderation and balancing food with exercise. I know there are alternatives to sweets and things that are unhealthy. I know all this and yet I turn my head and go the other way. Toward the chocolate and chips and cookies and ice cream and popcorn and everything else that in the morning when I wake up I vow to abstain from, at least for the day. EVERY day.
Many of my daily routines or experiences revolve around food. Going out to restaurants with friends. Thinking about what sweet I can buy on my lunch break. Buying things blindly JUST TO BUY SOMETHING even though I'm not hungry. Often spending money and food go hand in hand but I've also noticed a correlation between NOT getting something extra to eat on my lunch breaks (which is when I have the most free time on my hands to go roam the malls) and buying something else instead, just to buy something. I don't feel bad for NOT buying food/items when I return to the office empty handed but I think there's a need to have to do SOMETHING on my lunch break and spending money is that thing.
However, the money spending issue is not the one I'm worried about. I have the ability to step back when I know I need to conserve money or need it for something else and I'm working on getting my credit card balance down. I have taken it out of my wallet and no longer carry it with me daily to prevent frivolous spending as a result. The spending thing may become an issue in the future but I'm trying to take control of those right now to prevent anything from developing.
A year ago I was in two rear collisions in my car. These accidents have prevented me from doing prolonged activity and now my gym has gone out of business. Even if it was still in business, however, I still can't go perform a regular work out routine because my back is so fucked up.
I have started to do short walks around my neighbourhood as I am going to New York in July and know there will be a lot of walking involved, standing, activity I'm not used to on a daily basis. This is why I'm starting on the short walks. I can feel myself getting a bit stronger but it's hard to keep myself motivated to walk. I LIKE walking but it's easier to stay inside and eat and watch TV than to go outside and separate myself from those things.
I fear that admitting I have this addiction will allow me to give in to my cravings for more food, junk food, things that are unnecessary and unhealthy.
There is a food addicts anonymous meeting in my town every Monday which I am considering attending, however, because its 12 steps are the same or very close to those of AA there is a lot of dependency on God and a higher power, which I do not believe in. If I want this to work I cannot pledge to allow God or something akin to that to lead my way. I feel I often have a very stubborn will on my own but I don't know if on my own I can resist that which I know is wrong and yet indulge in anyway.
This is not something that I've just woken up and decided for myself. My doctor has recommended me to the dietician, who I saw for a few months, and it seemed like for every thing she told me I should do I resisted against her even though I KNEW and KNOW better. He suggested allowing myself, say, Friday and Saturday to cheat (I say cheat instead of binge but basically he meant that on Friday and Saturday they could go against their normally pretty healthy diet and eat chips & ice cream and whatnot) and I said that I've tried that on myself but that I will just eat junk every day. He suggested not keeping it in the house but, again, I WILL FIND A WAY. I will take a walk and go to the convenience store and buy junk, which I justify because I took a walk. A ten minute fucking walk.
He said that I can't gain anymore weight. My back problems are likely very exacerbated by my increasing weight. I KNOW my body is weaker and hurts because of my weight. And I used to be a size 9/10, which I LOVED. I was so healthy and felt so good then. I do NOT feel good now.
I know, as a smart, logical, sane person that the way I eat is unhealthy and I need to stop. My doctor said that some people have addictions to cigarettes or alcohol and others have an addiction to food and perhaps I do. It all clicked. Right there and then. I come from an addictive family. My grandfather, mother and aunt were/are all alcoholics. I am not dependent on that but I am with food. I never thought I'd be an alcoholic but then again, I never thought I'd ever say I was addicted to food.
I think I'm going to set out some goals for myself right now to try to achieve. Both short-term and long-term. Some of them might be totally off base but some of them I HAVE to focus on to be healthy. Yes, I want to lose weight, but I want to FEEL GOOD most of all. I want to be able to go to New York and not be out of breath from walking and ENJOY myself. Some of that will be enjoying the food and I will because I love food, but I want to do it because it's an experience, not because I HAVE to HAVE it and don't know why.
So, goals.
01) Eat more fruits and veggies. This one seems so easy but I'm so picky it's stupid. I will force myself to eat things I don't really like (ie: right now I don't really like bananas as I go through food phases but I will eat them out of habit).
Fruits & Veggies I'll eat: bananas, oranges (but it takes me so goddamn long to peel them to the point of where I'll eat them), apples, grapes, strawberries, carrots, celery w/ PB, cucumbers, tomatoes, potatoes (is this REALLY A VEGGIE?), broccoli & cauliflower. There might be more but these are the basic ones.
02) Stop eating junk: easier said than done. I've said this SO MANY GODDAMN TIMES before and yet as soon as I say it I find myself on my way to the freezer or out for a sweet or SOMETHING. I will have to constantly keep myself in check on this one but I don't know how well I will be able to do that. So, small goals. Starting today I will not eat any more junk (chips, chocolate, candy, sweets of any kind) until Friday. That's two days. Beyond that I'll start Sunday again and go until the following Friday. I don't think cutting sweets out totally will work with me because I'll fail and then think I'm a failure.
Things I will still eat: --Those Mr Christie chocolate and yogurt covered pretzels. I've never eaten more than a bag at a time and usually only take a couple with me to work. Because they're for work (and out of site, out of mind) I don't normally touch them when I'm at home but if I need a chocolate fix I can turn to those. --Popcorn?. I guess I'll have to watch what kind I make but I really like the microwave popcorn and sometimes I really need a salt fix. -- My supervisor (who is one of those crazy 'eat a donut, work out for 2 hours people) mentioned some cored apple & splenda brown sugar thing for oatmeal. Maybe I could find some other things like this? Or maybe just some cinnamon/fake sugar mixture on apples?
03) Out of sight, out of mind: This includes things in the house and what I do with myself during my free time. Instead of going to the mall on my lunch breaks when I have nothing to do I will go to the pet store and visit with the animals or maybe go for a walk. Even sitting outside with a book is better than going somewhere where there will be junk food that I will be compelled to eat.
04) A counter measure for cravings: Not sure how this one will work, really, but every time a thought pops into my head that I want something and that I'm plotting out how to get it I will try to make myself do ten sit ups or a set of my physio exercises. I obviously cannot do this at work but I can do it at home when I'm alone and not as busy to distract myself and when I have the cravings more often. We'll see how this one goes.
05) Start weighing myself regularly and recording it: I stopped weighing myself years ago and looking at it. It was a healthy thing at the time but after that things started to go south. Back in 2002/2003-ish I was going to the gym a lot and walking so I lost a lot of weight and went by how things fit me, rather than numbers. I want to do the same now but I also have to be aware of the numbers that I'm at right now to give myself a to aim for. I don't think, however, I'll be publically posting my weight just because I don't know how I'll feel about that.
06) Lose weight: Five pounds at first. Then ten. Then twenty. I don't have an ideal goal weight in mind but I'd like to get down to a size 12 or even 10. That's when I was fittest and healthiest. I'm young enough that it can happen.
07) Don't be afraid to talk about things: This one will be hard for me because I'm someone who doesn't like to break down in front of people or really discuss the things in my head because a) it requires a lot of explaining often, b) people often don't get it and c) I'm a private person. But this is something I have to do. I won't come right out and say that I'm a food addict but I refuse to hide that I'm struggling with food issues. I think my supervisor would be someone I COULD talk to about it but at the same time, like I said, she's also the crazy donut later and a recovering anorexic who still has a poor body image. She ran for two weeks on a broken foot even though she knew something was wrong but she didn't want to stop running because she loves running and loves the calorie burn. Kudos to her for wanting to be so healthy but she takes it to an extreme that I will never have (I don't think, anyway) and that I don't WANT because I want to ENJOY food without being dependent on it. But I think she might be a good person to talk to about alternate recipes and for motivation.
08) Look into seeing a couselor/therapist: I've been meaning to do this for a while, honestly. After I came back from school I was in SUCH a terrible place and I was horribly depressed (for me, I know other people go to much deeper, darker places when they're depressed) and I'd lost interest in many things I formerly loved, like writing. I'm still struggling creatively, although I'm starting to feel things rebounding, but who knows, maybe it's a false alarm. I think it would be good to talk to someone about a lot of issues, including my family's dependency issues, my dependency issues, depression, etc.
09) Food diary: This one I'm iffy on just because I've tried it before and I can never remember to write things and measurements down. Maybe if I only wrote down items at first instead of trying to calculate the fat grams and calories and this and that I'd be less daunted.
10) Plan ahead: Snacks, meals, etc. I buy all my groceries once a week but I think I'll have to be a bit more creative and even prepare things the night before.
11) Spend more money: on the right things. Fresh food costs more. Buy more fruits and veggies, healthy alternatives and EAT THEM.
12) No excuses: Don't use this as a reason to pig out. Be smarter. If I fall off the wagon I get back on.
13) Be happy: My biggest goal in life has always been to be happy. And obviously I'm not. So much of my day is centred on thoughts of how much I weigh, the food I've eaten, what I want to eat, what I'm craving and giving into it. I want to feel good about myself in every way possible. This is the first step of many.
I'm unsure of where to go next as far as how to approach this. I have made resolutions to myself in the past that I won't eat any more junk and I would exercise and do this and that but this time I HAVE to do it. I have to finally grab hold of myself and snap the fuck out of it. I would like to say I'm going to post often with updates but I don't know if I will commit to that. I will try, though, because I think there are other people on my flist that would be supportive and have awesome advice. If I'm going to give this a good go I have to be accountable for myself. So I will try.
I haven't always struggled with my weight. I mean, when I was younger I was a little chubby and thought I was bigger than every one else, of course, but this is the biggest I've ever been in my life so I'd give anything to have the body I had in HS or early university. I started getting out of control in my 1st year, when I gained the frosh THIRTY. But I lost a lot of weight in the next couple of years thanks to meals prepared at the caf and a free gym (oh, to be a full time student again).
This post is about where I am with my weight, my health, my mental view of everything and some revelations I've made on the issue. I want to take this seriously. I want to do something about this because I hate feeling like this.
Read if you want, comments are appreciated. I'd like to be as open as possible in this forum where I've spoken about my life over the past seven years.
My name is Erin and I'm a food addict.
Thinking those words made me tear up as I wrote them because of a couple reasons. One because I'm not sure people would take me seriously outside of the circle of other people who are food addicts. I fear it won't be taken as seriously as a drug or alcohol dependency. And two because my mother is an alcoholic. She has been sober for 10 years now and I'm so proud of her. But now I'm struggling and I feel very two-faced, I guess, for the judgment I have felt in my heart and mind over her alcoholism and over other people in my family who have the same issue.
I feel like a hypocrite. But admitting it, being ABLE to admit it and realize that it's even there to admit is amazing, I know. Now that I'm on the other side it's a whole new ballgame.
I don't really know where to go next. I want to quit cold turkey but I'm not sure where I should start. Or finish.
Food addiction, in my head, seems like a totally different beast than drugs and alcohol. Those are substances that if you cut them out of your life you don't need them to survive in a healthy life. Food, however, is something you can't escape.
I am also someone who does NOT want to become one of those people who think if they eat a donut they have to exercise for two hours and never have another one for weeks and weeks. I like indulging. I like having treats.
I know about the food guide and moderation and balancing food with exercise. I know there are alternatives to sweets and things that are unhealthy. I know all this and yet I turn my head and go the other way. Toward the chocolate and chips and cookies and ice cream and popcorn and everything else that in the morning when I wake up I vow to abstain from, at least for the day. EVERY day.
Many of my daily routines or experiences revolve around food. Going out to restaurants with friends. Thinking about what sweet I can buy on my lunch break. Buying things blindly JUST TO BUY SOMETHING even though I'm not hungry. Often spending money and food go hand in hand but I've also noticed a correlation between NOT getting something extra to eat on my lunch breaks (which is when I have the most free time on my hands to go roam the malls) and buying something else instead, just to buy something. I don't feel bad for NOT buying food/items when I return to the office empty handed but I think there's a need to have to do SOMETHING on my lunch break and spending money is that thing.
However, the money spending issue is not the one I'm worried about. I have the ability to step back when I know I need to conserve money or need it for something else and I'm working on getting my credit card balance down. I have taken it out of my wallet and no longer carry it with me daily to prevent frivolous spending as a result. The spending thing may become an issue in the future but I'm trying to take control of those right now to prevent anything from developing.
A year ago I was in two rear collisions in my car. These accidents have prevented me from doing prolonged activity and now my gym has gone out of business. Even if it was still in business, however, I still can't go perform a regular work out routine because my back is so fucked up.
I have started to do short walks around my neighbourhood as I am going to New York in July and know there will be a lot of walking involved, standing, activity I'm not used to on a daily basis. This is why I'm starting on the short walks. I can feel myself getting a bit stronger but it's hard to keep myself motivated to walk. I LIKE walking but it's easier to stay inside and eat and watch TV than to go outside and separate myself from those things.
I fear that admitting I have this addiction will allow me to give in to my cravings for more food, junk food, things that are unnecessary and unhealthy.
There is a food addicts anonymous meeting in my town every Monday which I am considering attending, however, because its 12 steps are the same or very close to those of AA there is a lot of dependency on God and a higher power, which I do not believe in. If I want this to work I cannot pledge to allow God or something akin to that to lead my way. I feel I often have a very stubborn will on my own but I don't know if on my own I can resist that which I know is wrong and yet indulge in anyway.
This is not something that I've just woken up and decided for myself. My doctor has recommended me to the dietician, who I saw for a few months, and it seemed like for every thing she told me I should do I resisted against her even though I KNEW and KNOW better. He suggested allowing myself, say, Friday and Saturday to cheat (I say cheat instead of binge but basically he meant that on Friday and Saturday they could go against their normally pretty healthy diet and eat chips & ice cream and whatnot) and I said that I've tried that on myself but that I will just eat junk every day. He suggested not keeping it in the house but, again, I WILL FIND A WAY. I will take a walk and go to the convenience store and buy junk, which I justify because I took a walk. A ten minute fucking walk.
He said that I can't gain anymore weight. My back problems are likely very exacerbated by my increasing weight. I KNOW my body is weaker and hurts because of my weight. And I used to be a size 9/10, which I LOVED. I was so healthy and felt so good then. I do NOT feel good now.
I know, as a smart, logical, sane person that the way I eat is unhealthy and I need to stop. My doctor said that some people have addictions to cigarettes or alcohol and others have an addiction to food and perhaps I do. It all clicked. Right there and then. I come from an addictive family. My grandfather, mother and aunt were/are all alcoholics. I am not dependent on that but I am with food. I never thought I'd be an alcoholic but then again, I never thought I'd ever say I was addicted to food.
I think I'm going to set out some goals for myself right now to try to achieve. Both short-term and long-term. Some of them might be totally off base but some of them I HAVE to focus on to be healthy. Yes, I want to lose weight, but I want to FEEL GOOD most of all. I want to be able to go to New York and not be out of breath from walking and ENJOY myself. Some of that will be enjoying the food and I will because I love food, but I want to do it because it's an experience, not because I HAVE to HAVE it and don't know why.
So, goals.
01) Eat more fruits and veggies. This one seems so easy but I'm so picky it's stupid. I will force myself to eat things I don't really like (ie: right now I don't really like bananas as I go through food phases but I will eat them out of habit).
Fruits & Veggies I'll eat: bananas, oranges (but it takes me so goddamn long to peel them to the point of where I'll eat them), apples, grapes, strawberries, carrots, celery w/ PB, cucumbers, tomatoes, potatoes (is this REALLY A VEGGIE?), broccoli & cauliflower. There might be more but these are the basic ones.
02) Stop eating junk: easier said than done. I've said this SO MANY GODDAMN TIMES before and yet as soon as I say it I find myself on my way to the freezer or out for a sweet or SOMETHING. I will have to constantly keep myself in check on this one but I don't know how well I will be able to do that. So, small goals. Starting today I will not eat any more junk (chips, chocolate, candy, sweets of any kind) until Friday. That's two days. Beyond that I'll start Sunday again and go until the following Friday. I don't think cutting sweets out totally will work with me because I'll fail and then think I'm a failure.
Things I will still eat: --Those Mr Christie chocolate and yogurt covered pretzels. I've never eaten more than a bag at a time and usually only take a couple with me to work. Because they're for work (and out of site, out of mind) I don't normally touch them when I'm at home but if I need a chocolate fix I can turn to those. --Popcorn?. I guess I'll have to watch what kind I make but I really like the microwave popcorn and sometimes I really need a salt fix. -- My supervisor (who is one of those crazy 'eat a donut, work out for 2 hours people) mentioned some cored apple & splenda brown sugar thing for oatmeal. Maybe I could find some other things like this? Or maybe just some cinnamon/fake sugar mixture on apples?
03) Out of sight, out of mind: This includes things in the house and what I do with myself during my free time. Instead of going to the mall on my lunch breaks when I have nothing to do I will go to the pet store and visit with the animals or maybe go for a walk. Even sitting outside with a book is better than going somewhere where there will be junk food that I will be compelled to eat.
04) A counter measure for cravings: Not sure how this one will work, really, but every time a thought pops into my head that I want something and that I'm plotting out how to get it I will try to make myself do ten sit ups or a set of my physio exercises. I obviously cannot do this at work but I can do it at home when I'm alone and not as busy to distract myself and when I have the cravings more often. We'll see how this one goes.
05) Start weighing myself regularly and recording it: I stopped weighing myself years ago and looking at it. It was a healthy thing at the time but after that things started to go south. Back in 2002/2003-ish I was going to the gym a lot and walking so I lost a lot of weight and went by how things fit me, rather than numbers. I want to do the same now but I also have to be aware of the numbers that I'm at right now to give myself a to aim for. I don't think, however, I'll be publically posting my weight just because I don't know how I'll feel about that.
06) Lose weight: Five pounds at first. Then ten. Then twenty. I don't have an ideal goal weight in mind but I'd like to get down to a size 12 or even 10. That's when I was fittest and healthiest. I'm young enough that it can happen.
07) Don't be afraid to talk about things: This one will be hard for me because I'm someone who doesn't like to break down in front of people or really discuss the things in my head because a) it requires a lot of explaining often, b) people often don't get it and c) I'm a private person. But this is something I have to do. I won't come right out and say that I'm a food addict but I refuse to hide that I'm struggling with food issues. I think my supervisor would be someone I COULD talk to about it but at the same time, like I said, she's also the crazy donut later and a recovering anorexic who still has a poor body image. She ran for two weeks on a broken foot even though she knew something was wrong but she didn't want to stop running because she loves running and loves the calorie burn. Kudos to her for wanting to be so healthy but she takes it to an extreme that I will never have (I don't think, anyway) and that I don't WANT because I want to ENJOY food without being dependent on it. But I think she might be a good person to talk to about alternate recipes and for motivation.
08) Look into seeing a couselor/therapist: I've been meaning to do this for a while, honestly. After I came back from school I was in SUCH a terrible place and I was horribly depressed (for me, I know other people go to much deeper, darker places when they're depressed) and I'd lost interest in many things I formerly loved, like writing. I'm still struggling creatively, although I'm starting to feel things rebounding, but who knows, maybe it's a false alarm. I think it would be good to talk to someone about a lot of issues, including my family's dependency issues, my dependency issues, depression, etc.
09) Food diary: This one I'm iffy on just because I've tried it before and I can never remember to write things and measurements down. Maybe if I only wrote down items at first instead of trying to calculate the fat grams and calories and this and that I'd be less daunted.
10) Plan ahead: Snacks, meals, etc. I buy all my groceries once a week but I think I'll have to be a bit more creative and even prepare things the night before.
11) Spend more money: on the right things. Fresh food costs more. Buy more fruits and veggies, healthy alternatives and EAT THEM.
12) No excuses: Don't use this as a reason to pig out. Be smarter. If I fall off the wagon I get back on.
13) Be happy: My biggest goal in life has always been to be happy. And obviously I'm not. So much of my day is centred on thoughts of how much I weigh, the food I've eaten, what I want to eat, what I'm craving and giving into it. I want to feel good about myself in every way possible. This is the first step of many.
I'm unsure of where to go next as far as how to approach this. I have made resolutions to myself in the past that I won't eat any more junk and I would exercise and do this and that but this time I HAVE to do it. I have to finally grab hold of myself and snap the fuck out of it. I would like to say I'm going to post often with updates but I don't know if I will commit to that. I will try, though, because I think there are other people on my flist that would be supportive and have awesome advice. If I'm going to give this a good go I have to be accountable for myself. So I will try.
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no subject
Date: 2010-06-09 06:27 am (UTC)I've yo-yo'ed with my weight for years and some things that have been helpful for me when I've been on track have been exercising in the mornings to get it out of the way first thing...with your back pain have you tried swimming? I haven't tried this yet, but I've been hearing great things about the exercise dvd's P90X. I agree that the food journal is a pain in the ass, but when I've stuck to it I've found that I eat less because I'm more aware of what I'm eating. It's helped me a lot to give up the "white stuff" like white bread, white flour, pasta, rice etc...and replace it with whole wheat. I know what you mean about everything revolving around food and wanting to treat yourself...maybe you could start treating yourself with things like pedicures, a massage etc...anything that would make you feel good so you feel rewarded, but you're not rewarding yourself with food. I've also heard good things about this book:
http://www.dietsinreview.com/diets/women-food-and-god/
Don't let the God part freak you out. lol. It's supposed to be referring more to spirituality etc...than an actual God. Also, the Dr. Oz book, "You on a Diet" is helpful.
Good luck with your goals! I know it's hard. If you want any good low-fat recipes let me know and I'll email them to you. :)
no subject
Date: 2010-06-14 02:50 am (UTC)I have been keeping a bit of a food journal since I posted this last week. I can't say if it's working right away but I'm making an effort on it. I've also been trying for a while to convert to more wheat-based foods but it's SO HARD to break out of the white foods, especially since I'm NOT a fan of whole wheat or multi-grains or anything. I'll eat it but I won't like it, LOL.
I don't think I'd swim, as much as I enjoy it. The only public pool is, at the best of times, ten minutes across town (which doesn't sound like much but it's a long drive through the city) and at worst upwards of a half hour. I'd have to get up at 5am to get there in time and I'm so far from a morning person it's not funny. I don't mind the walking and it is something I have to do just so my back can get better, unfortunately. I'm thinking about taking a ballroom dance class or something like that, maybe some yoga, to see how those work out for me instead.
Thank you again for your comment!
no subject
Date: 2010-06-09 06:39 am (UTC)i think it's good that you want to feel good. i don't really know what to say though, i want to be supportive, but i'm very anti-diets and restriction. but i hope this works for you, and that you feel better and can enjoy a variety of foods that you want (without guilt!) and live to the fullest. (that sounds really cheesy, but i mean it.)
no subject
Date: 2010-06-14 02:56 am (UTC)I do still want to find a therapist but as soon as I get to work all thoughts of calling someone or tracking someone down to help me flies out the window. I'm going to have to make that a priority soon because, like you mentioned, I know I have issues I need to work through.
I don't like the idea of restricting myself, either, but I think that right now for me to make this work I have to try to cut out all the junk and stay strong. If I allow myself a cookie today I'll have one tomorrow, too, and then ice cream and chips, etc. I've tried doing the limiting thing before and it never lasts long, LOL.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-14 07:22 pm (UTC)haes = health at every size. which does not mean just believing that you're healthy no matter what you look like, but rather listening to your body and hunger cues and if you don't end up like a skinny mouse that's still ok. (this may be more of my fat activist rearing its head, but honestly? all the fat acceptance blogs and such i've read has really helped me with my issues, and if it can help anyone else even a smidgen i think it's worth mentioning!). i definitely understand what you mean though, about acceptance being a smoke-screen. this is why i think haes is important to me. yes, i can eat a bag of chips and accept myself if i get huge from it. but how will it make me feel? will i be pleasantly full and energized? usually overeating for me = feeling really bad, not mentally, but physically. which counteracts the entire point of haes/intuitive eating. it's important to take care of yourself. and sometimes you slip, and that's okay too, "normal" people overeat from time to time and it doesn't mean much.
take care of yourself, ok? it takes time to regain insight (NOT control) into what your body wants and needs, i hope you can work it out. and that you can find a therapist asap!
no subject
Date: 2010-06-09 01:48 pm (UTC)However I have found that the more I tell myself I can't eat junk food, the more I eat them. My plan is usually to eat whatever I want but just exercise more - in your case, would swimming be a better alternative? I have a few friends who swim a lot because of back problems and it's worked out pretty well.
Good luck on achieving your goal anyway. You can do this! :D
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Date: 2010-06-14 03:04 am (UTC)I've tried the limiting thing before and have found that I just can't stay strong enough to only have a cookie, say, Thursday and then not again until Sunday or something. I'll have something like that every day if I allow myself. I've tried saying, "I'll only have ______ once a week" and it never works out for me, unfortunately.
When I was in university I was able to still eat whatever I wanted by going to the gym a lot but that's when I could go any time I wanted and as long as I wanted because the membership was free and the gym was a thirty second walk away. Now, not just because of my back, my exercise time and abilities are severely limited.
The swimming thing would be great except the only public pool is across the city and is usually a half hour drive away during the times when I'd be able to go. It's also packed full of people, most of whom I don't want to share the experience of myself in a bathing suit with. I'm considering yoga and finding a new gym, though!
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Date: 2010-06-09 02:16 pm (UTC)Anyway, two things I can share:
1. Doing things on your own is always tougher than with someone. I've read an interesting article about two girls who had a little competition going about losing weight. They made a list of "bad foods" and give them points and at the end of a day or every week they'd count out who had more points - they also had days off, when they could eat whatever they wanted. The person who had the most points at the end had to pay a little money (idk exactly) and then they wanted to vacate from it after a year or something. I really liked that idea and thought it was rather intelligent.
2. My roommate and her bff forbid themselves from eating Carbohydrates (omg! second language fail! don't quote me here - idk idk) in the evening, so anything like potatoes, pasta or bread is "forbidden" - they can only eat salad or meat or fish - because apparently Carbohydrates in the evening aren't very healthy. It's just a small restriction, but I find that specific rules always help me, so something like 'I'm not eating as much bread anymore' wouldn't help me much, but 'Nothing containing Carbohydrates after 5pm!' would :)
Good luck with your goals :)
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Date: 2010-06-14 03:10 am (UTC)Part of me would like to have someone to help me out with this but the most of me is more content to do this on my own. I'm weird in that I don't like to really talk about things that I'm doing so if they fail no one really knew. I've always been like that. Also, competition is something that I avoid like the plague. I'd just forfeit from the beginning. I'd like to see how much I can do on my own before someone notices. It's the approach I took when I got my eyebrow ring, too, LOL.
I have kind of set an unoffical rule for myself to not eat after 7pm. I'm not holding hard and fast to that just because I can't guarantee to myself that I'll be home in time to have supper or that someone won't be in the kitchen, etc, but I'm trying. And I'm not limiting my diet too much just yet because I'm trying to focus on getting rid of the junk first like the ice cream and cookies and whatnot.
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Date: 2010-06-09 03:05 pm (UTC)Don't be to hard on yourself. Take it one step at a time.
And most importantly: Good luck! I wish you all the best!
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Date: 2010-06-14 03:12 am (UTC)Have you taken steps to get things in line with yourself? Have you ever gone to an FAA meeting?
I'm approaching things day by day for sure and while I'm still thinking about food all the time I'm also thinking "NO" every time something comes up that's not good.
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Date: 2010-06-09 10:45 pm (UTC)Good luck to you!
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Date: 2010-06-14 03:19 am (UTC)I downloaded some apps for my phone for recipies and a carb counter and things so I can just put in myself what I've had during the day and come up with some things I like. I'm not going to change all my eating habits right away, my main concern right now is cutting the shit out first. I'm horribly dependant on sugar and junk food so I've got to work on switching my attention to REAL food before I can properly think about healthier alternatives for the BAD real food I eat.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
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Date: 2010-06-10 02:34 am (UTC)So, it has to come from within, but having someone else out there helping you be accountable, knowing you are working hard, etc., HELPS.
You know I ADORE YOU and am still bummed out that I won't get to share a room with you at Wincon again because seriously, you are amazing and fun and I wanted to keep you foreverrrr. So, if I can do something - if checking in with me periodically would help, anything, I'll do it! I've helped quite a few people in RL during my journey get on the path to being healthier and happier, and if there is a way I could do that for you, I'm in.
Ultimately, admitting you've got this challenge to face is a big first step, and I have no doubt you are strong enough to move forward.
♥
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Date: 2010-06-14 04:05 am (UTC)I'm definitely going to keep updating LJ with what I've been up to, if I've been able to stay away from the bad things, how much exercise I'm doing, etc. I think writing it all out and having it published out there somewhere is the best way for me to go with this, for now anyway. I don't really have anyone in my RL who I feel comfortable enough to talk to about this and who I feel would really understand.
And who knows? Maybe next year I'll try Wincon again! I seem to be an every-other-year kinda attendee. We may still get to share a room!